What's To Come

I haven't posted in eons, and for that I am sorry. There have been... ahem... some developments that have made it difficult for me to post without touching on them. Namely, I found out I am going to be a mother this winter.

I'm in my second trimester, and slowly getting comfy with telling people... but there is still some anxiety around it. Not because I'm unhappy with the news, but because it feels so intensely personal that it feels like I am exposing myself every time I tell. Like they say in Tina Fey's movie Baby Mama - I'm coming out of the mommy closet... revealing that this is something that I have not only longed for for years but that it's something I feel will intensely affect and change the course of my life. This is something I know.

And I've been waiting.

In a way, this baby is much like the herald of a new era for me - an era filled with an abundance of creativity, and fresh thinking. A spring for what seems like my longest winter.

But therein also lies the anxiety.

As much as I know that this child will force me to re-examine my creative backburner that has too long gone unattended, it's almost painful to go back to failed attempts at writing, at creating - and open that passage again. What if? What if? What if it all goes bad again? Can I handle the rejection? AM I GOOD ENOUGH? Most of you are probably nodding your heads. You've been there. Who hasn't.

This tiny thing inside of me is already rifling through all the garbage I've been burying and is starting to bring it up (along with yesterday's dinner). So the stall in writing has mostly been me steadying myself against anything solid - hoping I'll make it through this windstorm of change.

Clearing out the Cobwebs

A good friend recently wrote me about a dream she had had that was of particular concern to her. She dreamt that her apartment was filthy, disgusting - and in a complete state of disorder. Things were rotting in corners and she had an infestation of spiders - hatching spider eggs on the kitchen counter. And a cockroach - the ultimate sign of filth.

We both agreed that this was likely a message from her subconscious letting her know that she needed to do a little spring cleaning of her thoughts and notions about how the world works.

Because in dream time any housing represents your mind and in turn, your thoughts, your mental processes (I wouldn't go so far as to say emotions, because there wasn't the presence of water). So clearly, there were a few "rotting" ideas in her head, some stale energy and a lot of garbage that she needed to get rid of.

We also explored what her "spiders" were. What were the "pests" in her head - perhaps ongoing or constantly "hatching" negative thoughts or ideas? Through discussion, my friend realized that it was likely caused by the emergence of a new relationship and how it wasn't exactly what she thought it would be like.. that these thought pests might be her old expectations or notions infesting her current acceptance of reality.

But what I found most interesting was the notion of needing a "spring cleaning" of the brain. Once a year, or maybe more if you're really good, you go through your junk or your garage or your living space and you clean out the old - either donate old clothes or recycle that huge pile of newspapers from the last year. But how often do we do the same with regard to our thought patterns?

How often do we sit with ourselves and say - what's old? what's not working anymore?

This is maybe something worth doing twice a year... because god knows we all gather a lot of thought "junk" every day - notions about what we should look like, how much we should earn, what our perfect man/woman looks like, acts like, etc. And sometimes these things sit inside for so long that they end up rotting, cluttering our brain and ultimately infesting our reality.

I think I'm due for a spring cleaning too... who's going to join me?

Stroke of Insight

If you have not yet seen this extraordinary talk about her stroke of insight, you might want to take a peek. I was completely mesmerized by her story. She was a brain scientist who suffered a massive stroke that shut down the whole of her left hemisphere and left her completely right-brained.

And it turns out that it was bliss. You must watch.

Dementors Everywhere

In the Harry Potter books (and movies) there are creatures called Dementors - creatures that feed on misery and live by sucking the happiness out of everyone (see clip above). It's a perfect representation of those people you meet in the everyday who just seem hell-bent to bring you off your high and into their low. Why? Because misery loves company?

Unlike the dementors in Harry Potter, though, chocolate alone won't make the chills go away after an encounter with these emotional vampires.. it requires a little more than that. Literally, you need to work on building up your psychic self-defense. A tight bubble of positive energy around yourself that can't be touched, drained or perforated by their attempts to bog you down.

I certainly have my fair share of personal dementors. Any other good tips on dealing with these creatures in your office or in your circle of friends?

Cheeky Tarot

I forget sometimes how powerful and important the tarot can be in helping me take a good hard look at my life. This past weekend I had this really big question on my brain (not related to work) and I asked it, doing a full Celtic cross reading on it. The results were baffling... they made no sense!

...Until I realized that it had completely ignored my question and had gone straight ahead onto critiquing my work situation.

Sometimes I hate the tarot because it has that funny way of telling you what you really need to hear, rather than what you actually want to know. So I got a big fat kick in the ass, lots of hard love and a solid amount of chiding before I realized it was SO right. And I was forced to see what I had been turning a blind eye to for months.

It was only after I had properly digested this information that I decided not to let the tarot off the hook completely. I asked my original question and pulled a single card for an answer.

And I got it.

Cheeky tarot.

Being/Grateful

Still here.

Working on a big project. My calling? Yes, perhaps. You'll know soon...

In the meantime, still getting weepy daily over my immense gratitude for the state of my life right now. Am completely in the flow of wonderfulness and loving and living and laughing. Ha!

Sure, there are still bumps in the road - aren't there always? - but they don't matter as much. I can't help but feel lucky. Every day. Have never really felt like this for so long before... a couple days here or there, but this has been months of gratitude. And happiness.

Am also trying very much to get in the present. The future is going to come, I no longer worry about it so much. Instead, I'm trying to just BE - and see where it gets me.

How are things with you?

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Deja Vu

I have a slew of strange little beliefs with seemingly little or no origin. Did I read it somewhere, did I piece it together or did I make it up? I can't be sure.

One of these beliefs involves the true nature of the phenomenon known as deja vu, translating literally to "seen before".

"We have all some experience of a feeling, that comes over us occasionally, of what we are saying and doing having been said and done before, in a remote time – of our having been surrounded, dim ages ago, by the same faces, objects, and circumstances – of our knowing perfectly what will be said next, as if we suddenly remember it!"

-Charles Dickens, Personal History of David Copperfield.

The scientific cats in their scientific coats explain deja vu as "an anomaly of memory" - it's your brain playing tricks on you, didn't you know?

"Hmm," I say. "Maybe."

But what kind of new age quack would I be if I didn't have an alternate theory?

Here goes..


Before we're born, we make a little road map of where we'd like to get to. We mark off the rest stops, the main attractions and we make notes about the people who we'll meet up with at various stops and we highlight the twists and turns. Only, because life on the other side is much more advanced than life here we don't have to write it all down, instead we can see it. I don't know if we see it in our minds' eye or if there's some kind of universal jumbotron - but we 'see' the journey we're about to make, before we make it.

It's like Tiger Woods 'seeing' his swing through before he steps up to the tee.

Okay, so we're all visualized and ready to go. We're born. And not everything will happen the way we 'saw it' - some of us might downright veer off, maybe take the wrong highway. But most of us just take little detours from the main path, I imagine.

Okay so back to "deja vu" - are you starting to see where I'm taking you with this theory? I imagine a "deja vu" to be exactly that - it's a moment in time you've already seen before, back when you were visualizing your road trip. Your memory isn't playing tricks on you - it's remembering something from a time before you were born into who you are now.

So whenever I catch myself in a deja vu moment, I take note of who I'm with, what's happening in my life at the moment and I relax knowing that whatever it is that I'm doing, I'm on the right track. Even if it's an insignificant pit stop. I'm where I need to be.

It's possible that it's a ridiculous theory - but it rings true for me. And might for you. See what you think next time you have a deja vu.

The truth

We forget. All the time. We forget our divine nature. We forget that everything is perfect and everything is right.

I have these moments, usually when I'm on a streetcar (I do my best thinking on my morning and evening commutes) when I click, I clue in, I remember that everything is okay. Every decision I've made or haven't made is perfect and in order with the universe. Everything that will happen, will be alright. Everything that has already happened only helped shape - but doesn't determine who I am. I am not what I do for a living. I am who I am - and I do what I do for a living.

I was reminded yesterday of the difference between being and doing. Those who believe that they are what they do are not being in the truest sense. They are simply doing. It's a mental math problem that I can only wrap my brain around for a few seconds at a time, but I like where it leads me. It leads me down a path where I am forced to ask "but who am I" and simultaneously forced to shut down all of my usual notions of self. I am not my age, my location, my marital status or my job. I am not my tax bracket, my gender or my name. I am so much more.

When we get past all of those descriptions - who are we?

That's when I get those little a-ha! moments. And I giggle. Because the truth is so simple, and so great.

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Faith

I can feel myself shifting into a new set of priorities. Like a wave that's gently bringing me to a new shore, it's subtle and soothing and a calm movement that doesn't upset.

But even so, I'm fraught with nerves, and there's a whole lot of second-guessing involved. How do I know it's the right choice? How do I know that I won't look back and wish I hadn't made that decision? Am I playing it safe?

And then a voice comes to me, from a deeper place that reminds me and cradles me back into the wave in a warm and welcoming embrace. Have Faith, it says. And I smile and remember that I'm a believer in things like destiny and 'the path' and I know that everything happens for a reason. My doubting the process is a slap in the face to all of these things. It's me questioning the way the universe works, or trying to exert some last little bit of control over my life, despite the fact that I long ago realized that my control and my ego are more often holding me back than advancing my cause.

The biggest, bravest leaps I've taken have always been my best. Faith. Faith is taking that first step off the cliff, into the void, not knowing whether or not there will be anything there to catch you, but trusting in the process. Faith  and Trust.

Faith is love. It's a love of magic in the universe. It's a trust that everything we do is with purpose.

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Finding Purpose

Lately, there's been a lot of chatter in my brain about finding something meaningful to do with my time and my life. It's all about giving back.

But what to give? Every time I think of something, a countering voice says who are you to do that, teach that, heal that. And I'm having a constant argument with myself that experience has nothing to do with fulfilling your life's purpose.

Just because we don't have a million degrees in psychotherapy, it doesn't mean we don't know how to listen. Just because we don't have a PhD, doesn't mean we don't know how to heal. And just because I've never written a book, doesn't mean I'm not a writer.

I am a listener, and a healer and a writer - and all of these things will somehow find a home in my life - so that I may fulfill a greater purpose.

I guess I just wish I knew what that purpose was...

Slowly I'm starting to get the picture of what the next few years will bring. Along with starting a family, I am planning on starting on that book. You know, the one that's lived in my head for 10 years - yeah, you've got one too, I bet. Time to let it out, let it breathe. Because I'll never know how good it is until I write it.

Intuition

Most of my regular visitors know that I've been working pretty hard lately at developing my psychic intuition (and listening to it). And I think I'm now at the point where I'm open to impressions. They don't come at me all the time, and usually it's subtle but powerful.

Point in case: My best friend in Ottawa, 7 months pregnant. She's due May 28th. She and I start talking, she jokes that her husband thinks it'll be the 15th instead. It was like a microwave-esque DING! in my head. I said not only did I agree, but I would put money on it.

Beginning of the week, I checked in with her. She hadn't dropped yet and it didn't look like she would be having the baby this week. Tuesday her water broke. But the hospital sent her home. She went back on Wednesday and delivered her baby boy around 11:15pm Wednesday, May 14th.

I was off by 45 minutes.

Now this might not seem that impressive, but considering my recent streak of not only predicting birthdays, but knowing when friends and family are pregnant before they do... it would seem I've got a relatively clear channel, right??

Except for yesterday. Yesterday I was SURE I was going to hear back about a job I applied for. I was CERTAIN. Certain like I was about the birthdays, certain like I was about my brother's wife being pregnant... CERTAIN. But nothing happened. No call, no email. And I'm a bit stunned.

I guess I "get" that we can't be right all the time - and that there are a lot of factors that come into play, like free will. Did something change? Did I change the event by knowing it was coming or was my desire for the event so powerful that I somehow convinced myself that it was true?

What tricky waters to navigate!

I guess I should let that be a lesson to me, though, that intuition can be fooled by the ego - that one can want something so much that one can convince themselves it will come to pass.

We'll see what happens, if anything. I'll keep you posted.

Death Insurance

I haven't been feeling the most inspired lately, so apologies for not posting as frequently this week. But the high of buying a house is now morphing into the incredible task of filling out mounds of paperwork and undoubtedly signing my life away. Literally. I had to sign up for life insurance.

It's weird, signing up for life insurance. Weird because suddenly you're forced to imagine a scenario - your life without you. How odd.

Death is a weird thing. I've been watching Six Feet Under, trying to get caught up by watching from the beginning. It's a great concept for a show, because death touches people in such different ways. Some people never deal with the grief, some can't seem to feel anything but the grief and they get lost in it.

But from a spiritual vantage point, death is only traumatic for those who are left behind to feel the absence.  Of course, having the knowledge that death is not really the end of consciousness helps with the grief process. Most of us 'believers' (note that I use the term even though I would never say I believe in the afterlife because I know it exists) have an easier time coping with loss because we continue to have a relationship with the departed long after they die. We talk to them, feel them, dream about them, hear their voice in our heads, smile when we see something they would have liked or laugh at jokes we remember them telling.

I always hated it when people would tell me someone would live on "in your heart". That was always too abstract for me - and too painful. They were still gone. Distilled into nothing but a memory.

But after my experiences, I've come to understand that saying to be more about the connection we retain to the spirits of passed loved ones. The connection is love, it is what keeps us dialed into their frequency, able to maintain contact. Our love for them keeps the channel open, so to speak, so that they may continue to watch over us, interact with us (in subtle ways) and guide us when need be.

This doesn't take away from our sense of loss - because we will continue to miss their physical self. We'll miss their laugh or their smile or their hugs... that's inevitable. We'll miss them at weird times, randomly triggered nostalgias. But we live on... and so do they.

So where does all this lead me? I'm filling out my details, insuring my life. Ironic that they don't call it death insurance, which is what it is. But I'm guessing it would creep people out too much.

What Bakes My Noodle

One of my favourite parts of The Matrix is when Neo (Keanu Reeves) goes to see the oracle.

Oracle: I'd ask you to sit down, but, you're not going to anyway. And don't worry about the vase.
Neo: What vase?
[Neo turns to look for a vase, and as he does, he knocks over a vase of flowers, which shatters on the floor.]
Oracle: That vase.
Neo: I'm sorry--
Oracle: I said don't worry about it. I'll get one of my kids to fix it.
Neo: How did you know?
Oracle: Ohh, what's really going to bake your noodle later on is, would you still have broken it if I hadn't said anything?

And so it is with psychics. One can never entirely get around the fact that the very act of getting guidance might change your course.

Case in point: the house my husband and I just bought.

I called my psychic a week ago for help with the house-hunting. She described a yellow-brick bungalow on a hill, with hardwood floors throughout.

We bought a yellow-brick bungalow on a hill, with hardwood floors throughout.

Now. I would love to say that I would have picked it regardless of whether or not I had had that reading... but the fact of the matter is that I can't know that for sure. Just like Neo can never know if he would have shattered that vase if the oracle hadn't mentioned it and he hadn't turned to see what she was referring to.

But all I know is that for those of us who happen to have psychics we trust, or guides of any kind, in this world or the other, the fact is that they are a part of our path. I think they're in the equation already.

That is to say, I was always going to buy that house, because I was always slated to talk to Angie first.

But it's still fun to wonder about these sorts of things. I like paradoxes. The universe wouldn't be much fun without them.

If you haven't seen the Matrix - the clip is below.

Schrödinger's cat

And now for a brief journey into the bizarre world of quantum physics... and the promise of a spiritual bent at the end. I've blogged about this before, but I want to come back to it.

Schrödinger's cat.

Schrödinger was a physicist in the early 1900s who proposed that the quantum universe was a very strange place indeed. He found that quantum particles had no definite state until they were observed. They were all possible states until they were observed. He used the example of a cat in a box to make his point in case.

He asked that we believe a subatomic particle was a cat, in a box. You don't know if the cat is dead or alive inside the box until you open it to find out. But the real mindf*#% was that, according to quantum mechanics, the cat would be both dead AND alive until you observed it - and that by observing it you would be sealing its fate and it would become one or the other forever.

Now this information is interesting to think about in all kinds of ways - but my favourite way of thinking about it is in the personal sense - that this is true of us on a larger scale. The entire universe exists in a state of endless possibilities. We are not simply the one thing we think we are - but by thinking we are that one thing (by observing ourselves, we create that reality.

But we are made up of particles that do not exist as any one thing, they exist as everything - and they bounce in and out of existence by the second.

The next time I find myself saying I can't or I'm not.. I'll have to remember that I can and I am... unless I decide that I can't or I'm not. Because we are infinite until we decide we're not.

I'll leave you with this daily gem from Lolcats which inspired my post today:

Bangs

Just had to share this little chuckle I had, whilst contemplating endings and beginnings (see previous post)...

Our favourite Canadian broadcaster, the CBC (note tongue in cheek) has this great little web page for kids to review things - books, movies, toys, etc.

Anyway - I was perusing today (because I'm paid to peruse these sorts of things) and I came across the best reviewed item EVER: Bangs. Like short hair on your forehead bangs. Like "we prefer to call it a fringe" bangs. B A N G S.

Here's what the little reviewer said:

My review is on bangs. I love bangs. they are so cute on me. my mom and my grandma all have them. One day I came home with my friend. Then we were talking about them and them we all decided to give me some.
Now my hair looks even better than before. the only bad thing is you have to trim them so they don't get too long. Anyway I would recommend bangs to everybody who are thinking of getting them!

It's sometimes the simplest things. You forget, you know, as you get older, and then you see something so perfectly for the first time through the eyes of a kid and you're like "yeah, bangs ARE awesome". I mean, I just never really think about it much anymore.

I have bangs. And they are so cute on me too.

When God closes a door...

I'm sure you've heard the saying (and I'm probably hugely missaying it, but I think I got it from Sound of Music)... when God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window.

Today, that could not be more true. Some big doors closed today - and it seems just as many windows opened.

I'm not entirely sure whether to laugh, cry or scream... but I'm smiling and that's got to say something. Maybe I really am making progress with my faith in the universe - maybe I am finally trusting and allowing.

Because, you know, the universe works in mysterious ways - and we can't possibly understand it's ways until we come out the other side.

A Space to Expand Into..

I had another great reading on Saturday with my favourite psychic, Angie. One thing that came up in relation to my move to the suburbs was this notion of peace.

I love many of the things that the city has to offer - the movie nights with friends, the restaurants, and definitely the big city paychecks. BUT (and this is a big but), I find it hard to breathe here. Not literally, but psychically, spacially. It's like I feel cramped at all times. The minute I leave the city, whether by air, car, train or other, I almost immediately feel my blood pressure drop.

We talked about this and about personal space in general - that sensitive people, people who are open and working on their connection to the sacred, often have extended fields of energy or auric fields, if you will. And the problem with having these big auric fields is that when you're sitting in a cramped streetcar - there are literally 20 people sitting, thinking, talking, venting, crying, laughing, etc. IN YOUR FIELD. This can make you crazy as you cycle through these emotions yourself... feeling the cumulative stress of every single person on the car. And there's a lot of stress on my streetcar - it rolls right through the financial district.

She talked about me needing to make my field smaller - keep it closer to my body and control it a little more in the city.

But the real solution, it was agreed, was for me was to get out of the city - be able to walk to the lake, be in a forest, see the sky (I miss the sky sometimes, the condos do a good job of blocking it out). She said that this would be a life-changing move for me, in that it would renew creative juices and reconnect me with nature. Even having a garden in the backyard would ground me and remind me of what really matters (and it ain't the big city paycheck).

It's amazing how overlooked the value of geography is in our spiritual path. Angie reminded me of how the Eat, Pray, Love author Elizabeth Gilbert remarked on Oprah how much her new house has changed her. That after all that traveling, all that prayer, all that meditation, a simple little house can transform a life too.

I feel it will be that way for me too - a little retreat where I can extend my auric field as far as it will go :)

Clairvoyants, Psychics and Hacks - Oh My!

Back from my holiday but not quite in the swing of things just yet. I promise to get back into the habit of thinking deeply and blogging about interesting things shortly.

In the meantime, I am getting excited about this weekend - mostly because of my annual present to myself... a psychic reading from my good friend Angie Aristone. She's a wonderful woman who always points me in the right direction... or at least to the right book (and sometimes that's all you need).

If there's anyone reading this who hasn't ever had a reading by a legitimate medium/clairvoyant, I highly recommend it. That being said, I fear that for every legitimate one there are ten hacks waiting to take your money. I have personally had some hilarious readings by the worst kinds of hacks (mostly at psychic fairs, which bring them out in droves).

How to tell a hack from a real psychic... (in my humblest opinion)

1) Hacks use props. Now... I will say that tarot cards are great tools, and sometimes necessary for beginners and those trying to tap into their intuitive powers for the first time but experienced, gifted psychics would probably see them as a crutch. Same goes for crystal balls (oh god), pendulums, candles, ouija or any other kind of physical tool. The best psychics I've come across don't use anything except maybe a tape recorder, for your benefit.

2) Hacks will bombard you with "proof" of their gift. Call it massive overcompensation, a hack will feel compelled to tell you just how good they are - they may have testimonials by the truck load, celebrity endorsements or my personal favourite - pictures of their aura. All of this will undoubtedly PROVE that they are talented and that you should pay them more money. Personally, every celebrity-endorsed psychic I've ever gone to (there have been a few) has been completely and utterly full of $#^&.

3) Hacks charge by the minute and/or can be found in the yellow pages. Please. A good psychic rarely needs to advertise. The few ones I know have a very steady client base and months waiting lists. They don't need psychic fairs or midnight television ads to drum up business. Want a good psychic? Get a referral from someone you trust. Word of mouth generally yields the best candidates.

4) Hacks ask a lot of questions. Don't get me wrong... there's no fault in trying to clarify something. From time to time Angie may get an image or in some instances a full-blown movie playing in her head. She'll describe it, in vivid detail... and may ask something like - is that your grandfather or uncle? But it's a far cry from general questions some "psychics" ask like "did you recently finish some kind of schooling or take some classes?" ... questions like these apply to almost everyone in their 20s - and are easy fishing techniques to get info off of you. A good psychic should give you validations, not ask for them.


All in all it may be hard for some to find a psychic they trust. But talking with the other side or getting clues about future events is a real thrill. Everything, of course, should always be taken with a grain of salt, because let's not forget we all have free will - and psychics can only tell you what is most probable to happen.

That being said, I can't wait to find out what my next couple of years will probably yield.

Out of Mind, Into Body

Relaxation cannot be underestimated for its regenerative properties. A time for the body and the mind to shed excess stress and remember itself free of the daily grind.

For me personally it's a time to get a little perspective, see things from a bit of a distance. I'm so in my head these days that I need to reground myself in my body... and sadly it often takes a trip away from this cerebral city to do so.

And so, with this in mind (and body), I am off to visit the sun, the surf and hopefully scuba dive among some beautiful Bahamian coral reef. I plan to regenerate, recuperate and relax in all the most indulgent ways. My own little micro Eat, Pray, Love... but more like Eat, Swim, Sleep... and maybe only slightly less enlightening (by the by, if you have not yet read the aforementioned book... it really is a happy and enjoyable read - what are you waiting for).

I will return to my regular blogging by April 24th.

If you're missing your daily fix of Silly Buddha, why not peruse my archives... lots to read there.

I'll send each of you, my readers, a little bit of relaxation and sunshine from my destination.
Namaste.
Diana

That's A Lot of Labels

I was waiting for the elevator, on my way up to my office this morning when a guy from my floor approached. He's from my neighbouring office and he and I see each other often. We usually make small talk in the elevator. He's got a good sense of humour and it's fun to banter with him.

So I pulled out my earbuds and starting stowing my fancy iPod when he commented on it. I laughed, said I was a big of a tekkie. He nodded appreciatively. I continued (why? I don't know) to say that I was a fan of gadgets - I believe I may have even used the term "gadget-lover" and then went on to say that I was also an avid gamer. Not sure why I felt the need to disclose...

His response? "That's a lot of labels."

Jesus. He was so right. It took all of two seconds for him to figure me out.

Let this be a reminder to me that the greatest spiritual teachers come from the most unexpected places  .. and today's lesson was "stop labeling yourself - because you are infinite".

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