Gone Hitching...

Last word from this girl as a singleton - off to get married and have a crazy Vegas adventure.

See you all late next week for some post-debauch deep thoughts.
XOXO

Live and Let Go...

I probably couldn't count how many times I had to ask myself to 'let go' yesterday. Letting go is such a powerful tool for so many situations, I find. It's simply the act of allowing yourself to be. I've heard some speakers refer to it as trusting god - or the universe - and trusting that everything will happen exactly as it should. You know, just letting go of expectations, letting go of worries about outcomes, just letting go of everything that keeps you from your peace.

In my case, yesterday, it was my need to stay in the moment. During yoga, I found my mind wandering to a million places - no surprise since I leave for our Vegas holiday tomorrow... But it was interfering with my practice. I had to let go of all of the worries, the distractions, the lists my mind was making.

Us control freaks have a hard time sometimes, letting go and letting things happen - but I think it can be a truly liberating experience for us when we finally do start 'letting go'.

Why the need to control everything? Out of fear, I would guess. I read somewhere that there are really only two emotions: love and fear. Every negative feeling, every worry, every anxiety is fear-based and every positive feeling is love-based. Looking at it this way, to let go is to let go of the fear.

We fear many things, on a basic human level, I think. We fear death, pain, loneliness, poverty, separation, failure, rejection, humiliation, persecution, judgment - some even fear the opposite: success, power, wealth (I know I do to a certain extent). These fears are the root for so many neuroses. And they cripple us daily.

To become more actualized in our spiritual lives, we have to start dealing with our fear. We have to start letting go of it - realizing that it's an artificial barrier, it exists only in the mind, and the mind has the power to overcome it and live a fuller life. Because we are so much bigger than our fears.

So just for fun, let's all let go of one negative thought today. I plan to let go of the constant whining happening in my head about how little sleep I got last night. Goodbye groaner!

Love Is In the Air

You'll have to forgive what promises to be an equally sappy and scattered entry as my mind is split a million different ways, what with my getting married in less than a week and all.

I wanted to talk about the other side and it's connection to love.

No doubt we all have questions, concerns even, over the fate of loved ones who've passed on. Where do they go? Is there a heaven? Is there a hell? Or do they recycle? Will they come back and see me? Do they watch over me? Do they still love us?

I've written before about the huge transformation that happened to me as a result of my close friend's death two years ago. But the greatest gift it gave me was a little bit of comfort about the nature of life after death.

Because I do believe we live on - in one form or another... And we retain the best of ourselves, the part of you that does not fear or doubt or worry. The part that does not know anger. The part that does not hold grudges or resent, or envy. It just is. And it is just love. That's all we take with us. Love.

I've been very fortunate to have met a very talented medium, a suburban mom of three, who drives a minivan and packs her kids lunches is also extremely tuned in to the other side. Her experiences would convince the most hardened skeptic, but she's not out to convert anyone or convince anyone. She just kind of does readings to pay some bills.

Through my many conversations with her, I've glimpsed just a slice of what goes on there. And it's not exactly what you might think.

For one, my friend - who committed suicide - was not in hell or anything remotely like it. And I know you've all wondered, who hasn't. Because at the heart of religion is just a lot of people showing up every week 'just in case' the church is right about sin and repentance and stuff. And a lot of us (myself included at the time of my friend's death) silently wonder how much the church and the bible got right... Including that little part about where suicides go when they die.

But I'm here to vouch for the fact that my friend is fine. He's hanging out on the other side, taking in some lessons, learning from all of his lives, taking stock of things and preparing for his next shift. And he still loves us - he still cares about the little things, like who his sister is dating and how his mother is coping. And he even cares that I'm tying the knot.

In fact, I know he'll be at my wedding on Saturday. I intend to say hello.

If I had to guess I'd say we're all divine. We're all little pieces of God. Because in my perfect universe, God is love. Nothing more. Nothing less.

To be in love, to love someone unconditionally makes you just a little more divine, doesn't it...

Eeny Meeny Miny...

Us new-agers are like recovering alcoholics. We're pretty adamant about the whole 'taking responsibility for your life thing' - you know, not playing victim to your life.

So while we're at it, let's take responsibility for being born to our parents. Just for fun... See what happens.

Okay, so we choose our parents before we're born, rather than being the product of random DNA colliding and creating consciousness...

Consciousness in fact recycles itself intelligently...

Still with me?

Okay, so what are the implications if in fact you had your pick of a million (billion?) sets of parents... And you picked them out of the crowd?

So no matter how dysfunctional our parents were, we couldn't really blame them for our lot in life anymore, could we?

Okay, so one we stop blaming our parents and realize that WE chose this life, for some reason unknown to us... What then?

Well if we're all still trying to enlighten ourselves, to grow as people and energies, then maybe it's a good time to take a good candid look at our parents and take stock of what we've learned from them. What morals/values did we acquire through them? How did their struggles affect us either positively or negatively - how did we grow from them. Or did we?

And if you're a parent yourself? Feel free to shift the blame. When your little kid starts yelling at you for not buying him that toy he wants or for not letting him eat the whole cake on his eighth birthday, you can say "yeah well you chose me!"

How do you like them apples?

What Goes Around...

I stumbled upon a fascinating blog entry by a die-hard atheist about the "problems" that would arise if we were to prove that reincarnation were true. The article is appropriately named "The Evil of Reincarnation".

He asks some compelling questions - and I'd love to complete the mental task of answering them (if only for myself).

But... Herein lies my pickle.

In a way, I actually can't even attempt to answer this because the blogger and I operate with completely different assumptions about the nature and purpose of the 'thing that reincarnates' ie. The spirit or soul or energy, or whatever we "new agers" are calling it these days.

Here's one of his questions:

"If Hitler came back to this world just after his death in the form of a newborn baby, should that baby be persecuted for his past life crimes against humanity?"

Here's my attempt at answering this:

Hitler was no doubt an evil force - a cold, calculated murderer who led an awful life. I have no doubt that he has probably already reincarnated. But as someone who believes in karma, I believe there would be no need to persecute that "baby".

By way of his or her new (karma-influenced) life, that "baby" would likely be persecuted in far worse ways than death, electrocution or any form of corporeal punishment. In fact, that child would be worthy of great compassion, rather than more punishment. That child would have no recollection of their acts from that past life - only the knowledge that their current life was filled with misfortune and heartache.

To reincarnate is not to just transfer your personality into a new body. We are seldom absolute reflections of our true selves.

Most of us, in fact, are so cut off and removed from our pure nature that we retain very little of our true identity. Our personalities are largely shaped by our experiences in the world, and only partly true to our real selves. No doubt, Hitler forgot his divine nature early on. I know this because those of us who remember our divine nature and connection to one another would never be able to take another's life, let alone wipe out millions of our soul mates.

Question 2:

"And what of the rich man? How could he claim his wealth and property in his next life?"

My response:

I laughed out loud at this one. That's like quitting your job or being forced into retirement and then approaching your old boss for a raise. It's not your job anymore! You're not entitled. I don't care how long you were in that job, or how hard you worked to get where you were when you left, it's just not yours anymore.

As much as we might take up an identity for a bit - when we reincarnate we're just not that person anymore. Sure we're made of the same bits, have most of the same ingredients, but it's a whole new flavour. Nothing should pass over to the reincarnated (I guess unless you're the Dalai Lama - then you get all your stuff back when you come back).

The other thing is - wealth just doesn't matter. I mean, maybe it matters to you in this lifetime, but it's just a tool to enable you to experience one aspect of life, to learn specific lessons. The next life you might not desire wealth or need it to accomplish what you're coming to accomplish.

Besides - if we were entitled to our previous life's fortune - I imagine there would be riots of 'imposter Bill Gates incarnates' fighting to the death for what they were 'entitled to'. Might make for some entertaining TV though.

Anger Management (Part 2)

The truth is that there is nothing that can be gained by fighting. Fighting isn't about making compromises, or making things work.

A fight is about wanting to be 'right'.

But being right is costly. Even if you are correct in your argument, you are only correct subjectively, according to your emotions, logic and experience. But your argument might not be correct to someone else's emotions, logic and/or experience. So yell and argue until you're blue in the face, but don't expect results.

The fact is, the only thing to garner from such an argument is power. But it is a short-lived power, and it isn't going to bring you peace in the end.

I love this and I try to live this quote:

“When given a choice between kindness and being right, choose kindness.” Dr. Wayne Dyer.

Of course in the moment, it's difficult to remove ego from the equation and step back far enough to be selfless in a heated moment - but not only will it likely diffuse the situation, but it will leave both parties more peaceful and ready to move toward reconciliation.

Another fun thing to try is to funnel pure love energy toward someone you're upset with. Whether it's a boss, a spouse, a sibling, a friend... In the crux of the situation, imagine a beam of pure unconditional love streaming from your heart to theirs. See if it changes the situation. I'll bet you it does.

I don't know much - but I do know that more peace will come from living in this way than fighting all the time. At the very least, you'll never have to worry about your blood pressure. And practicing sending out that kind of good energy is great. The more you send out, the more you get back. Send nothing out and you'll get nothing back.

No matter how hard I try I can't NOT compare it to the Care Bear Stare....

Even Eve Fell

Sometimes personal experiences seem random. Indeed, I think life in general can appear to be a series of haphazard events. But I try, as often as I can, to remind myself that there's a reason and purpose to everything we do. But we're all really learning how to dance with our blindfolds on. We can't really see where we're going, but hopefully we can move to the music, and trust in ourselves, our partners and our teachers that they won't lead us astray.

One seemingly random event that has made a huge impact on my life was the passing of a dear friend - a friend as close to being family as anyone could.

Before his death I thought deeply about a lot of things like the nature of life and death, our purpose on the planet, the meaning of life and all that mumbo jumbo one thinks about with too much time and too much wine. I 'believed' in a lot of interesting things - a lot of interesting theories about the universe and its workings.

But when my friend died, it went away. All of it. It was as if, in the blink of a second, someone had erased my hard drive. I was a void of belief. I believed in nothing. NOTHING. Nothing had meaning, everything was random, chaos reigned supreme and none of us mattered.

I then had a dream, a beautiful dream that I won't describe now, that changed that.

When I awoke, it was all back. All my beliefs, my theories, my almost blind faith in the universe's energy and power - only something was different. They weren't beliefs anymore. I KNEW things. The same way that I know my name and where I live and what my telephone number is, I knew that there was life on the other side and that we all come here for a reason, for learning, for experimenting, for pushing boundaries and exploring and testing ourselves. We were spiritual beings having a human experience, not human beings having a spiritual experience. These things I suddenly KNEW.

I came across this, and I love how beautifully my friend Wayne Dyer's words capture my personal experience - this one in particular explains a lot:

Now I know this will sound strange. When you understand that you have an energy body and when the Kabala talks about being able to move from one level to the next, it says, now this is a very important part. That in order to move from one level to a higher level and to generate the energy for this you have to take a fall.

The thing that proceeds every step of growth in your life is a fall. It is as if you are a high jumper. I was in high school. You don't just run-up to the bar and go over it, you have to go down real low and the process of going down low you're able to generate the energy to propel yourself over the bar. The same thing works metaphysically.

Now the falls of our life are really generated by your higher self. They are not generated by your ego. The ego is terrified of you having a fall because generally when you have a fall you find God. You become more spiritual, more caring, more gentle. A fall can be many things such as a breakup in a relationship, a bout with drugs, an accident, a heart attack, a bankruptcy, a trauma of some kind. Whatever it may be.

What you need to know, not believe, but know is that right when you take a fall you're generating energy to a higher level. Instead of putting mental energy into negative emotions, be grateful for the opportunity to be a better person and to go to the next level. When you know this every time you experience a fall you can become thrilled.

Taken from an interview with Wayne Dyer

I particularly love his emphasis on 'knowing' rather than 'believing' - although the irony of this is that in order to get to that point of knowing (if my personal experience is at all the norm) then one must fall first. Then you'll just know.

Go With Your Gut!

A really great thing happened to me shortly after listening to John Edward's (the medium) audio book series on developing your psychic self: I started listening to my instincts. Not just listening, but trusting.

It's almost funny how often we don't trust our instincts. We second-guess ourselves until we're wrapped in confusion and directionless. But once you open yourself up to the universe, you have to be prepared to accept things, almost without doubt.

And then things start to get really interesting.

Like the fact that two weeks after my brother and his wife conceived, I knew she was pregnant. We hadn't spoken and they had been trying for almost a year - so there was no reason that on that particular day, riding the streetcar to work, that I would know that she was pregnant. Of course, the next time I spoke to my brother I urged him to have her test - and sure enough, I was right.

Lucky for me, these little things are starting to happen more and more frequently, and with it, my confidence is soaring as well. If I get a 'feeling' about something, I follow through. I trust it. I even say it out loud to someone, just so I can't trick myself later.

I think we're all just a little bit psychic (some more than others) but we've all stopped trusting ourselves. We've also stopped listening. But for those of us who can always use a little extra guidance, I think it's an amazing help to have that sixth sense.

In a way, it doesn't matter what the source is... But it is still something neat to think about. Is it coming from within, are you tuned into the collective unconscious - plugged into the mainframe? Or it is external sources, loved ones who have passed on whispering into your 'third ear'.

Well, whatever it is. I'm thankful for it. I'm especially thankful for it today.

The Universe and U

On this very lovely Friday I thought I'd take a break, a pause from all the theory and all the prose and just enjoy the universe in all its wonderful complexity.



Oh and if you're bored this weekend, why not lend your time and brain power to a very worthy cause. Classify some galaxies, see some pretty pictures and help some very overwhelmed astronomers.

Fear

I know I wrote earlier about the shadow self and coming to terms with your subconscious and unconscious self. I think a lot of us don't or won't out of fear.

Where the fear, there is your task! - C.G. Jung

A friend of mine who took his own life explained it thusly: "Fear is insidious. It sucks you in..." meaning, it takes over slowly, gradually, subtly.. until all you are is a collection of fears - and you have nothing left to grab onto - you're completely sucked in.

Every time I find myself afraid of something - whether it's an external thing or a change that's about to take place, I think of those words, that little nugget of wisdom and I endeavour to not let myself go there.

Of course fear is inevitable. It reminds us that we're alive - it can point out where we've allowed ourselves to stagnate or grow too comfortable. It can invoke change, progress.

BUT...

Fear also retards the mind, blinds us from new insight, keeps us shackled to old patterns and negative influences.

It also creates monsters among us. See case point.

Anger Management for the New Age

Without a doubt, there are trying moments throughout the day. Someone annoys you or bumps your car, or cuts you off or has smelly feet in your face when you're trying to do your deep breathing in yoga class. Whatever it is, the temptation is to brew, stew, get peeved. This is inevitable... But it's also totally bad for your karma and you're actually doing the opposite of helping the situation.

Whether it's during a one-on-one confrontation with someone who makes your blood boil or it's a stranger you find offensive in some way - the negative energy you're building up as a result of your anger is only affecting YOU negatively.

My good friend (who I've never met, but who is a kindred) Wayne Dyer always says - Choose Peace. And it's not some hippie-dippy throw two fingers in the air kind of thing.. It's about removing tension and anxiety from your life through a shift of focus. One way of doing this is by using mantras.

I compare it to traditional anger management's counting method. When you're angry - start counting down from 10 before reacting. In that time you will hopefully have cooled and relaxed yourself before doing something stupid.

The new age equivalent to this is chanting (inside your head) "love, love, love" and trying to send love to the person you are angry with, the person who has wronged you, the person you find offensive. I do it several times a day. I guess it's probably a bad thing that I get angry/irritated that much every day - but I live in Toronto and take public transit, it can hardly be avoided.

I find the longer I repeat the word, the more I actually start to feel it. I try to send unconditional love to that person. Because what goes around comes around - and sending love to that person comes back on you three-fold, increasing your sense of peace.

Diffuse the anger bomb with love. That's what I'm saying. And now excuse me while I go frolic in San Francisco with some flowers in my hair...

Green eggs and ham?

If Santa Claus were to close up shop, move to Toronto and become a labourer, I now have the exact mental image of what he would look like, thanks to today's streetcar sojourn. A man got on the streetcar, white hair flowing halfway down his back, with a beard to match. He was also clad entirely in red. His running shoes, socks, shirt, baseball cap, duffel bag - everything red. He even wore a red watch with a pink face. The only thing he wore that was not red was a pair of white hiking shorts. I'd like to thank him, because not only did he make me smile, but he inspired more thought about our personal power colours. Clearly this man loved red. LOVED red. I suppose he was probably a very passionate man... or a very angry one.

I always used to love red. It was my power colour for a good period of time. Especially, I found, when I was in school. Red is often the colour of passion and it makes sense that it attracted me at a time when I was all about pursuing passion.

These days I find red too energetic. I'm much more interested in soothing colours like aquamarine, purple and earth tones. But that's probably just because I'm able to relax much more deeply than I could six years ago.

My roommate in first year university was intensely fond of two colours - and everything she wore, every piece of furniture, every toy was one or both colours. I loved that about her. Orange and blue. Orange and blue. A strange and wonderful duo. These days I rarely see her in anything other than black except for her wedding, in which she wore a vibrant red gown. I imagine she, like me, grew into another colour as she moved into another phase of her life.

Forgive me, because I'm starting to sound like a theorist... but I keep wanting to bring it back into my music and notes idea. What if colours also carried a tune. Red might be an intense Dminor chord, Yellow would be a happy and cheerful A chord. Black would be something powerful and unmoving, like an F or an F# ... and we are all just looking for that colour, that chord that will inspire us to do our next great thing. We're looking for that killer soundtrack to our life.

I think I need to go shopping for a cooling colour - because it's bloody hot in my apartment right now.

Mindbody

It's one of those things that we all know intuitively, but never talk about. The mind-body connection.

I've recently taken up Bikram Yoga, a rather challenging form of yoga which involves 26 postures to be completed in a room heated to roughly 42 degrees or 107 Fahrenheit. One of the final poses is, I find, the most challenging. It's a very simple back bend, done while standing on your knees. It's designed to open the chest and the heart chakra. They call it the Camel. I call it my nemesis. It occurs roughly 80 minutes into the class, and it's known to trigger the 'fight or flight' response.

The first time I did that posture I cried. Just a few tears, but it was shocking enough. The second time I did it I felt like I was going to throw up, and as I pushed through it, a tingling sensation crept over my whole chest - a very strange sensation I can't describe accurately. I have done this pose now over a dozen times with varying results. The tingling one being the most common side-effect.

The last time I did it, however, was interesting to me, because the minute the instructor announced Camel to be the next posture, the tingling sensation began. I hadn't even done the posture. The very thought of this next posture invoked the same reaction in my body as if I had actually done it.

It reminded me of a recent study of brain development I read about - people who visualized themselves playing chess, or doing complicated math equations formed the same neural pathways as the people who were actually doing those things. What does this mean?

Could I do my yoga asanas (postures) entirely in my mind with the same benefits? No, probably not... BUT it does serve as a powerful reminder of just how connected the brain and the body are.

Those of us who are stressed out all the time aren't doing ourselves (or our bodies) any favours. As we continue to repress, internalize and deny ourselves our emotions, all we're doing is forcing them to retreat somewhere into the body where they become ulcers, or fat deposits, or tumors.

So let's visualize ourselves completely relaxed, calm and able to take on the day's stresses in stride. And I'll work on visualizing myself getting through that damned Camel posture.

---

UPDATE: Just finished what I would easily consider my BEST yoga class EVER. Not only did I do Camel... I did it further and with more ease than I ever thought possible. The trick? I saw myself doing it with ease just seconds before I actually did it. I always say the proof is in the pudding... (because I love handy cliches) and boy was there ever good puddin' today.

Mr. Sandman

I have always been a vivid dreamer. As a child I suffered from terribly vivid nightmares, and to this day I continue to (on occasion) get held hostage by them.

I suppose being a vivid dreamer is both a blessing and a curse in that not only do I have horrific nightmares but I have the most beautiful and spectacularly healing ones as well. When it's good it's really good, when it's bad, it's well..

But from an early age I was encouraged (thanks dad) to take my dreams seriously, to look at them, analyze them and keep record of them. And I'm glad I did. Dreaming is the only time we are truly able to see into our subconscious and see what's going on.

Last night I dreamt that I was in a backyard pool. There was a boy on the pool deck making waves in the water for me. I walked into the wavy water and as I waded, hip-deep in the blue blue pool I noticed that the sky was on fire with the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen. I gave myself permission in that moment to be in the moment and to bask. And I did.

This was a particularly validating dream with my upcoming nuptials in mind. For not only am I deeply enjoying my current emotions of love, harmony and bliss (the water of the pool) but I'm basking in the moment and enjoying the moment. And although the sun is setting on my life as a young and single girl... it's a fiery and beautiful sunset that's worthy of celebration.

I do love dream work... I love helping people find out the meaning of their dreams too. If you want help decoding one, please send it in or comment!

Shadow Play

I was discussing the nature of addiction with a friend the other day. In particular, the power of alcohol on certain people. I have been strangely surrounded by alcoholism for most of my life - and I have several friends who attend AA meetings regularly. I have other friends and family who are fighting the good fight against their addiction by willpower alone.

Although alcohol has never appealed to me, I have brushed closely with other addictions: food, exercise, approval - all things I have struggled to enjoy and seek in moderation.

But I think addiction can be a great tool for us. In the depths of our most depraved moment we come to know our truest self. Namely, we are granted a rare glimpse of our shadow self.

The Shadow, is a psychological term introduced by the late Swiss psychiatrist, Dr. Carl G. Jung. It is everything in us that is unconscious, repressed, undeveloped and denied. These are dark rejected aspects of our being as well as light, so there is positive undeveloped potential in the Shadow that we don’t know about because anything that is unconscious, we don’t know about.

The Shadow is an archetype. And what an archetype simply means is that it is typical in consciousness for everyone. Everyone has a Shadow. This is not something that one or two people have. We all have a Shadow and a confrontation with the Shadow is essential for self awareness. We cannot learn about ourselves if we do not learn about our Shadow so therefore we are going to attract it through the mirrors of other people.

The last part of this quote interests me because it suggests that should we choose to avoid meeting our shadow selves - we will nevertheless find it through people we attract. Those who find themselves attracting a certain kind of partner or friend they do not desire to attract might benefit from examining whether or not they have reconciled themselves with their Shadow.

We often hear people say that the traits you dislike most in other people are traits you dislike in yourself. This is just common-speak for the same principal.

In short, you can't avoid your Shadow. It's a part of you.

Now in no way am I suggesting that the only way to encounter and deal with your shadow is through drugs, alcohol or addiction etc. I just think that those of us who are struggling to overcome addiction would do well to remember that meeting our shadow selves, as we do through addictive behaviours, is a crucial step toward healing ourselves and ridding ourselves of it. After all, how can you correct something you don't know exists?

Know thyself. That's a good start.

So rather than chastise ourselves for being weak, we might all do better by being thankful for the rare glimpse into our very darkest parts, so that we might become better than we were before we saw.

Taking it in its deepest sense, the shadow is the invisible saurian tail that man still drags behind him. Carefully amputated, it becomes the healing serpent of the mysteries. Only monkeys parade with it.

Carl Jung - The Integration of the Personality. (1939).