Personal Anarchy

The weather here has finally broken its icy spell and that little bit of warmth and sunshine is going a long way for me. There is something so incredibly redemptive about spring - which is likely why it's always been my favourite season. Spring, unlike any other season, epitomizes hope. And when the trees, the flowers, the crop all open their eyes to peek .. "is it okay to come out yet?" I, too, feel a bit of that urge. Is it okay? Can I come out now? And the answer comes with the sun, a booming YES. It's okay.

All things are beginning to feel possible again - and that positivity is melting away inhibitions that have been holding me back.

One particular thing I have noticed about myself lately (that I think has been holding me back) is that I've turned my life into a democratic process. My future is up for vote.

It seems that in the midst of attempting to make some significant life changes, I've been quietly but steadily polling everyone I meet. When I say "I'm thinking of moving to so-and-so..." there is so much more happening there. Instead, I realize that I'm actually saying "What do you think of me moving to so-and-so?" and then I spend the next half hour listening to them list off the places THEY think I should move to - which forces me to accommodate their intentions, while defending mine.

But in a funny twist, I'm not the only one polling. To my amusement, my husband has been just as guilty as me. I hear him on the phone with every friend and relative who will chat... "We're thinking of moving to so-and-so..." but he's really saying "What do you think of us moving to so-and-so?"

And then, because we're becoming master pollsters - when we get home after work we exchange all of the acquired data. "My boss thinks we should look here instead," or "My best friend thinks we're giving up on that other place too easily."

But since when is my life a democracy? When did I decide to give that power away? When did I stop making decisions and start taking votes?

At least now that I've put my consciousness on it (and my husband's) it's easier to catch myself in the act of polling. And hopefully that'll clear up some room for me to listen to what I really want, instead of what I've convinced myself I should want. Because yikes, I think we've all seen how elections can go horribly horribly wrong. And my life is too important to leave it up to other people.

Here's to being my own personal little anarchist.